...gained back some self respect.
My wife is amazing. After all we have been through...she is still there.
Just know that the word "commitment" is one I am going to spend the rest of my life proving to someone. We all have bad times, frustration, anger - and more... But, it's commitment to something that can keep it alive.
It's a new day, and the sun is shining.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Day 2.3 I'm sorry...
I am not sure exactly what the process is when alcoholics that are going through recovery go to friends and family and ask forgiveness for past bad deeds. I am also not sure who it helps more in the end. The alcoholic receives (hopefully) some absolution, and the family member or friend receives some sort of contentment that the alcoholic is trying to better.
Sometimes there is a transfer of guilt to pain. I have lost my best friend today. Part of this new life is about being clean, but unfortunately washing has left dirt all around me. I am a good person who has done many, many stupid things in my life. I have been a poor example as a friend. I have lied and have paid the ultimate price.
Now if this scares you from coming clean and telling someone something you have hidden...well it should. But being honest has to be the important thing. If you aren't honest up front, yes you stand the chance of losing in the end...but, you still need to do it.
I already miss her - and wish I could have been more like her.
Sometimes there is a transfer of guilt to pain. I have lost my best friend today. Part of this new life is about being clean, but unfortunately washing has left dirt all around me. I am a good person who has done many, many stupid things in my life. I have been a poor example as a friend. I have lied and have paid the ultimate price.
Now if this scares you from coming clean and telling someone something you have hidden...well it should. But being honest has to be the important thing. If you aren't honest up front, yes you stand the chance of losing in the end...but, you still need to do it.
I already miss her - and wish I could have been more like her.
Day 2.1 Welcome back to the playground...
Ok really quick, tonight will be the first time I have played Kickball since middle school. Except there will be alcohol, loose women, vulgar language, dogs and cats living together...a true Caligula loving sport. I can't wait to throw that rubber ball at some dumb blonde and leave a big red mark on her ass. Oh yes, she will remember me. Probably will pull down her little bike shorts, look at herself in the bathroom mirror and say, "I hate that fucking guy...Hmmmm, I wonder if he's single..."
Ok, no alcohol, thanks for reminding me...bastard!
Ok, no alcohol, thanks for reminding me...bastard!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Day 1 - Song List
My sense of purpose today can only be described in stages. Stage 1 below:
3 Bear Bomb Scare song list thus fucking far...
3 Bear Bomb Scare song list thus fucking far...
- Brian Wilson - Bare Naked (my fave) Ladies
- Open up your eyes - Tonic
- I don't wanna be - Gavin DeGraw
- All Mixed Up - 311 (Don't call this number in an emergency)
- Drugs - Ammonia
- Got you where I want you - The Flys
- Evenflow - PJ
- Lips of an Angel - Hinder
- You're a God (Hey, no I'm not...shithead) - Vertical Horizon
- Loser - 3 Doors Down
- No Excuses - Alice in Chains
- Crawling in the Dark - Hoobastank (Never put the word "your" in front of that name)
- Drive - Incubus
- Click Click Boom - Papa Roach
- Freak on a Leash - KoRn
- For You - Staind
- Slither - Velvet Revolver
- Everything - Buckcherry
- Hey Jealousy - Gin Blossoms
- Wish you were here - Incubus
- If you could only see - Tonic
- Home - Chris Daughtry
- Creep - Radiohead
- Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town - PJ
We are working on:
- Tie Your Mother Down - Queen
- Fat Bottom Girls - Queen
- Jet City Woman - Queensryche
- Dance the Night Away - Van Halen
- 99 Red Balloons - Nena
- When the World is Coming Down - The Police
Ok, any comments? We expect them, and...we will probably tell you how we feel. Lucky you.
Stage 2 is at 9 tonight - I better shower.
"It'll be long recovery, but he'll be fine..."
Today is my first day of intense training again. This weekend, biking 'round Smithville lake.
My mind is at about 25 years old (except for the fact that every once and awhile I lose my keys and realize they are in my hand), now it's time to help my body feel the same. All good for the course I am taking in my life right now. Ok, cryptic you say? Not so much, just want be around for the apocolypse...heard the light show will be spectacular.
Later 3BBS songlist so far...
My mind is at about 25 years old (except for the fact that every once and awhile I lose my keys and realize they are in my hand), now it's time to help my body feel the same. All good for the course I am taking in my life right now. Ok, cryptic you say? Not so much, just want be around for the apocolypse...heard the light show will be spectacular.
Later 3BBS songlist so far...
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Vin Diesel couldn't even help us...
Ok so I lied, I am back. Bad news today. My company was forced to close 4 more locations in Southern Cal. 1300 souls are going to be lost. Coupled with the news from Mondays blog entry, I am stunned, disheartened, and sad. I know alot of those people.
It's always something...
Quick post today...
In the Spring while we were practicing, this guy barged into our practice space and told us to turn it down. He was fairly sarcastic in his tone. Initially all of us wanted to tell him to stick it up his beeeeeehind, but because we are good people - we agreed to turn down,
Summer has come and almost went...
Guess who's back. That's right. The a-hole barged in last Friday night again. This time we agreed and locked the door to where we practice (we should have done that from the beginning because you really never know who might "barge in"). We continued until KCMO's finest were pounding on the door. Now, let me say that they were very cool. There is a 10 PM noise ordinance.
Well, low and behold he called again last night. All of us became so anxious that the practice was less than stellar. But, then a miracle happened... The volume change opened up the ears to really great moments and mistakes.
So, morale of the story...change is hard. But, if you are willing to change just a little, you may find that you open yourself to a whole new perspective.
You are probably thinking that I will somehow make this about my life now huh? Hmmm, I say F off, it's none of your business...
In the Spring while we were practicing, this guy barged into our practice space and told us to turn it down. He was fairly sarcastic in his tone. Initially all of us wanted to tell him to stick it up his beeeeeehind, but because we are good people - we agreed to turn down,
Summer has come and almost went...
Guess who's back. That's right. The a-hole barged in last Friday night again. This time we agreed and locked the door to where we practice (we should have done that from the beginning because you really never know who might "barge in"). We continued until KCMO's finest were pounding on the door. Now, let me say that they were very cool. There is a 10 PM noise ordinance.
Well, low and behold he called again last night. All of us became so anxious that the practice was less than stellar. But, then a miracle happened... The volume change opened up the ears to really great moments and mistakes.
So, morale of the story...change is hard. But, if you are willing to change just a little, you may find that you open yourself to a whole new perspective.
You are probably thinking that I will somehow make this about my life now huh? Hmmm, I say F off, it's none of your business...
Monday, August 27, 2007
Star Kissed
Ok, so I know lately I have using this blog as my way to communicate to the world. And, today will be no different.
When you FISH upon a star...
I believe in fate. I believe that stars do align from time to time, and we have a choice to accept or reject their appeal to us.
My first trip to Seattle was about 8 years ago. People that know me have heard me say that the feeling I had when I arrived there could only be described by a line in the Color Purple...
Netti had just arrived in Africa - and standing on the land of her ancestors for the first time, her body just vibrated.
Ok, so my ancestors weren't from Seattle, but I truly felt the same.
Fast forward to yesterday, started bad, got worse...then ended wonderfully.
The Power of the TUNA SANDWICH
I don't need to expound too much on what got me to the point of tears, but during this collapse - a moment of clarity. A tuna sandwich in front of me, lettuce and tomato and a sliced strawberry to squelch the sweet tooth. Now you may ask the importance of this sandwich. Well, it's because someone special had made it for me... Made out of love and compassion. I was stunned, it had been so long since I had received something like this. I had given it, but had not received it in so long. And, as usual - it rendered me an emotional wreck.
Here's the good part. It made me realize that I was on the right path. Relationships have to be equal. When they are not, one person tires out or just gives up. If you have someone make you a tuna sandwich...make them one too as soon as you can.
Ok, more good part and this is where fate comes in.
Seattle is home to the famous Pike Place fish market. Hence, fish equalled Seattle to me at that moment. I know this is long, but hear me out... I had just made a very big decision in a relationship days previous, I also was told that my company had until October 5th to have their shit together or begin splitting, I had just received a Monster for a great job in Seattle, I know that I have a place to live already in Wallingford (like 5 minutes from the city with my brother in law who wants me there because I am the only person in the world that will listen to him babble for hours on end), and then...
That movie Singles comes on...I know...WTF right?
So, Seattle must be calling. I love it there and it loves me back. Maybe I would even get the golden tuna sandwich I have been longing for...
So here is the f'd up piece of this puzzle. I go home and join Match.com for real (no more winking and running like a kid dropping a blazing bag of shit on the front stoop). Within an hour I am having a conversation with a wonderful woman. She is my age, ready for the next half of her life. She wants humor and music and passion and tuna, and will give tuna in return.
So, stars...aligning? Or, just twinkling dots in the sky? What would you do?
I'm thinking Seattle.
When you FISH upon a star...
I believe in fate. I believe that stars do align from time to time, and we have a choice to accept or reject their appeal to us.
My first trip to Seattle was about 8 years ago. People that know me have heard me say that the feeling I had when I arrived there could only be described by a line in the Color Purple...
Netti had just arrived in Africa - and standing on the land of her ancestors for the first time, her body just vibrated.
Ok, so my ancestors weren't from Seattle, but I truly felt the same.
Fast forward to yesterday, started bad, got worse...then ended wonderfully.
The Power of the TUNA SANDWICH
I don't need to expound too much on what got me to the point of tears, but during this collapse - a moment of clarity. A tuna sandwich in front of me, lettuce and tomato and a sliced strawberry to squelch the sweet tooth. Now you may ask the importance of this sandwich. Well, it's because someone special had made it for me... Made out of love and compassion. I was stunned, it had been so long since I had received something like this. I had given it, but had not received it in so long. And, as usual - it rendered me an emotional wreck.
Here's the good part. It made me realize that I was on the right path. Relationships have to be equal. When they are not, one person tires out or just gives up. If you have someone make you a tuna sandwich...make them one too as soon as you can.
Ok, more good part and this is where fate comes in.
Seattle is home to the famous Pike Place fish market. Hence, fish equalled Seattle to me at that moment. I know this is long, but hear me out... I had just made a very big decision in a relationship days previous, I also was told that my company had until October 5th to have their shit together or begin splitting, I had just received a Monster for a great job in Seattle, I know that I have a place to live already in Wallingford (like 5 minutes from the city with my brother in law who wants me there because I am the only person in the world that will listen to him babble for hours on end), and then...
That movie Singles comes on...I know...WTF right?
So, Seattle must be calling. I love it there and it loves me back. Maybe I would even get the golden tuna sandwich I have been longing for...
So here is the f'd up piece of this puzzle. I go home and join Match.com for real (no more winking and running like a kid dropping a blazing bag of shit on the front stoop). Within an hour I am having a conversation with a wonderful woman. She is my age, ready for the next half of her life. She wants humor and music and passion and tuna, and will give tuna in return.
So, stars...aligning? Or, just twinkling dots in the sky? What would you do?
I'm thinking Seattle.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Yabba Dabba Do Wilma...
If you are as old as me you may remember watching the Flintstones. Cartoons back then were so much more benign. A child had to really use his or her imagination to identify any sexuality in most of the characters on Saturday morning. My faves of course were Veronica from Scooby Doo, Josie and/or any of the Pussycats...and especially Wilma Flintstone. You may have been only seeing Wilma for the mild mannered housewife she may have seemed (left)...but I saw her as the untamed vixen she really was (right). Can I get some kleenex please???
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Friday, August 3, 2007
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